The Frame…

The Frame
11/14/2006

Sun gives way, to a fiery amputation.
Suck down the poison I have tasted.
Say my prayers for asphyxiation.
This is the end I’ve anticipated.

Forgot what your face looks like.
Can’t seem to replace the blur.
Can’t seem to, shake the desperate feelings
of knowing where we were.

Dear beautiful memory, it won’t
change anything.
And dear selfishness, I can’t seem
to end the suffering.

Stayed silent.
When I should have just dreamed.
Kept to myself.
Thoughts, words and things
I should have just screamed.

Dear terrifying memory, why do you forsake me,
by fading away?
Dear mortifying memory, that I have long forgotten,
that has long forgotten me.

Keep trying to sway this creature!
Only to see my own face as the reason!
At my own self-righteous pulpit,
I’m the preacher, the disease!

Dear beautiful memory.
That I have mercifully forgotten.

That has long forgotten me…
§

Peyote Angel, Withers 11…

Peyote Angel, Withers 11

Somehow I’ll do this on my own.
This reconnection.
Hand on this scalpel.
Seen it.
Trauma only excites me and I am my evidence
as perfectly one.

Something’s burning behind the cage.
Just have to set her free.
No it’s not the potion.
The drugs, the poison.
The fruit from your Judas Tree.

The Shaman tells me how to cut.
Eyes connected.
Blood to the dust
and mutilation is a rite of passage.

I must be out of this mind!

Fingers in the cavity.
Right through the center.
Lies a mirror, to the inner, self-inflicted,
warning sickness, Earthly tremors,
So sadistic.
Walls of mirrors.

(I see what I don’t want to see…)

Cause I’m a dying fish swimming in the
purest of waters.
And I’m a silent example of how it
should somehow never be!
And I’m, so conflicted,
from this, goddamned weakness,
and I can’t remember,
if anything is real!

I must be out of this mind!

One soul fighting, one last cell,
killing arteries to starve the
power to recall, in my,
own addicted, shroud of deepness,
in the chasm I have carved!

Right through.
Right here
I am I.
I do not mind if the fucking end is nigh!

Right through me!

Such bright lights and deafening wisdom.
Where would I be, without this crippling sensation?
Who says it is has to be so cognizant and simple?
Cut through every fucking muscle,
just to let the demons breathe.
And every photograph is cauterized,
I will slice right through my, last reminder,
kneel behind her–

Right through…
§

Aberration Belladonna

Aberration Belladonna
10/13/2006

Where have I been wandering?
And should I be concerned about these bruises?
All of this confusion leaves me
puzzled yet amused.

Found another little problem.
Another void to fill.
And where the hell is my reason?
And how did I lose myself again?

Choices killed the strength and
now the flame expounds the dark.
Keeping you at arm’s length was
my one failed question mark.

Where have I self-destructed?
Seems to be the last place that I felt.
Who I used to be is a distant memory
of someone who cannot be helped.

Listened to the beating of a heart
that wasn’t really there.
Now there’s bedlam in the soul and
there’s a tear that’s caused a rift.

(I knew better!)
Left my last rites in her hand.
(Knew better!)
Down the rabbit hole again.
(I knew better!)
Another stranger to the bitter end.

Horrendous…

Horrendous

Still think we’ll be sober by November?
Thankfulness screaming to the worshipers
left to cry!

Leaving all this behind me.
Behind us won’t seem to.
Tolerate much more distance.

And I pull me, push you
away from my scars and
the pain you will feel.

Still thinking we’ll be sober
enough to hold one another close?
Enough not to fall away?
Enough not drift away?

This path of least resistance, leaves me hollow
and you see me, as something indifferently
unable to accept the love that you’re
giving to me!

Oh, I must…
Oh, I trust…
I fail…

And I’m face down in myself and my
arrogance that you can’t see and
the trinity and severance by hurt
of the agony, of shoving you to the wide open
arms of another!

Days gone by.
Picking up precious reminders.
Of how unholy this can be!

Four becomes two becomes none
leaves you vulnerable confused
and fading and falling and flailing
in the horrendous!

Aneurisma…

Aneurisma
07.10.2020

So tired of being tired
exhaustion, I can taste it.
Back and forth I go
and no longer I can fake it.

I’ve tried to beg, I’ve tried to pray
and my words have all been wasted
No loving God above can hear me
and I know I will not make it!

(Sunlight!)
Tie the, noose.
(High noon!)
I took your abuse.
(Sundown!)
Cut me loose.
(Midnight!)
And watch me swing!

My intrusion, your confusion
Ohhh, I think I’m still awake.
This invasive, connotation
Nooo, tell me this can’t be real.

No sex, no drive
no excuses, make it stick.
I’ve been angry, I’ve been wronged
Make it stop, this sickness!

(Sunlight!)
Tie the, noose.
(Past noon!)
I took your abuse.
(Sundown!)
Cut me loose.
(Midnight!)
And watch me swing!

Days Came Where I Cried for Them…

His Mom is always going to want to know the truth but I’ve learned that knowing and not knowing are both equally but yet differently painful. There is no win-win or win-lose, just lose-lose. And she can’t be a complete idiot either. He has a reckless and violent criminal record. Deep down, she already knows the truth and denial and grief can be mindfucks.

This guy’s shit goes back years, 21 years, probably right around around the time he became a legal adult. His juvie record is more than likely a mile long too. It’s who he is. I don’t have the capacity anymore to sit around and try to connect the dots as to why they’re pieces of shit or why they’re fucked up in the head. Some people just are. There’s no fixing him. He’s not broken. He was either born this way or manufactured this way. He wasn’t normal, nice, kind, loving and law-abiding and then someone or something slammed into him and he came out walking with a limp. No, this is his normal. This is, from my experience, most likely a learned behavior or mindset. Liars lie, cheaters cheat and abusers abuse.

Alcohol seems to be a theme in his life but that’s his fire to put out and he chooses not to. There’s at least two, maybe three times he’s been sued for back child support and lost which means he ain’t paying for his kids. He doesn’t pay any infractions and civil penalties either and he buys alcohol for kids. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. So, cutting all of them off is an understatement. You need to amputate that entire part of your past and present because it only spells gangrenous and septic infection for your future.

It would break my heart to see her pay her dues, right her wrongs, rebuild her life for her and her child only to end up in a safe house out there or even worse, an obituary.

I’ve seen five of those obituaries. I’ll never be able to un-see or unread them either because I knew these women. I sat and talked with them, laughed with them and cried with them.

And then those days came where I cried for them.

I think about them every day. How they’re kids are doing. A few ended up in Human Services custody. I try to block out my anger at the system that absolutely failed them, that left them waiting in a cold office room to talk to an officer for so long they gave up and left, for the Detectives that didn’t think a referral for External Service was necessary when External Service Protection is what saved them once already!

Yeah! I’m the one that pissed in your precious fucking Yeezies, Darnell!!

And how would your second wife feel about you keeping all of that porn in your locker, by the way?? Buy a padlock, you lazy fucking scumbag.

I went to three of the funerals. Two women’s bodies were never even claimed. It should have given me some solace or peace of mind knowing that I was one of just a handful of people that gave a shit about them. That drove them miles and miles away from their homes, armed and ready to die for them, when the system that took an oath to refused…and to their families, we were the only ones that truly protected them.

88% of the women we help in this region are Black. You want to know how many of those Black women are actually taken seriously by the cops? By our firm’s accounting? About 8%. 7.83% to be precise.

Where I’m at, to the system, Black lives, they sure as shit don’t matter. Not like they do to me. I will always be an ally.

And as I finished that sentence, a text message, our On-Call. Another referral and it’s barely Sunday. Time to get dressed and put on my emotional armor and do it all over again…

Because it’s what we do…

Gagina…

Gagina
02.19.2020

This piercing through the cerebellum
leaves a golden glow below.
And the Sun becomes a monster, which keeps stringing
you along.
But your rhetoric is closure, and this fatality
must be love.

And it’s holding me.
And it’s smothering me.
And it’s gagging me.
Just let it go!

Through perversion, comes inclusion.
Fuck! Nothing like the truth.
Desire leaves you strangled out
And the fear becomes intrusive
To feel you is to know you, and to know you is
to die!

And it’s holding me.
And it’s molding me.
You just won’t let me go!

And as it pulls me through your dark and winding
the mind becomes a lung.
You put your hands around my neck and force me
to go under.
You strangle out my one last breath and tell me
that I love you!

I’ll tear through your subversion, with every
razor that I’ve got!
And the hate I have for you, is totally conclusive!
You’ll kill me once and maybe twice but I won’t
fucking surrender!

My one last hope’s a broken rope, on the floor
of my offender.
And the rage becomes my center!
Hysteria, your chaos, Blue Devil’s cause me to splinter!
This mania, this madness, the head that you
dismembered.
Is full of all your fucking lies, the pain and
rape are what I’ll remember!

Through perversion, comes inclusion.
Hey! Nothing like the truth.
Desire leaves you strangled out
And the fear becomes intrusive.
To feel you is to know you, and to know you is
to die!!

And it’s holding me.
And it’s smothering me.
And it’s gagging me.
It’s gagging me!

Just let me fucking go!!

A Missive for the Bigot…

I’ve noticed something during the COVID-19 Pandemic. I’ve notice just how many brilliant and talented Nurses, Scientists and Doctors here in America are from Mexico, Asia, India and myriad Middle Eastern countries, as well as numerous other regions.

And a thought burst in my head…

This country is full of hatred, vitriol and rage right now. Especially toward immigrants, namely those of LatinX and Middle Eastern ethnicities. Now, it’s fine if you want to waste your days on this neon globe filled with hatred of other humans because their square on the paint swatch doesn’t match yours but what if??

What if?

What if you need life-saving surgery one day and when you come out of anesthesia, the name of your Surgeon or Doctor or Nurse is Almasi or Said or Haddad? What if their last name is Nguyen or Furukawa or Xiong? What if their last names is Bhavsar or Chakrabarti or Ramanathan? What if their last name is Altamirano or Landaverde or Sepulveda?

This Surgeon/Doctor/Nurse just A) kept you alive, B) saved your life and C) helped you heal.

Are you going to seriously hate them then? And, if so, how can you hate a person that cared enough about you to spend their time, energy and emotions, someone who bled, poured sweat and maybe even cried to keep your hateful carcass alive and breathing?

There are plenty of things to hate Dear Dreadful Sir or Madam. Deforestation. Koalas burning alive. Black people having their homes raided and then murdered for it. Black people having their necks crushed for a bad check. Allowing half a million people to die because you were born with your umbilical cord wrapped around your orange neck.

Hating a person because of their skin color…I’m going to say it. It’s fucking retarded. It’s something someone with only one lobe of their brain working would do. Ignorance is not a virtue. Judge a person not for being a different color, not for being LGBTQ, not for contemplating or even having an abortion, no, judge them for the character behind their actions. Judge them for the words they say.

It’s “A Moral Code”…not “Amoral Code”.

The Alpha Chimera Scratch…

Yes, it is referred to as the “believing in what you cannot see” theory within my social circle. However, I believe that evolution took over once we were created but if science is correct, (and that can be a toss up) this planet and many others were here long before we were. Something, someone, created that. They didn’t just pop up one day. Yes, yes, Big Bang, I’ve heard of it…

I don’t believe in the effigy of God that has been bestowed upon us by the mainstream society though. The massive man with the white robe and white beard. That’s just people’s imaginations running wild, the same way they ran wild into the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy. Those are just incarnations of the comic, if not cartoonish kind.

If there is a “God”, then I believe it exists in the form of the pneuma. Residing within us rather than in the exterior beyond. Maybe, it’s that small voice that we’ve heard for years, the voice that we have named reason, or common sense. Or even gut instinct.

I’ve had this conversation many times over with my band mates. Our music is skewed in the direction of the mind, spirit, and celestial arena. They all have their opinions on the matter, but none of them, and that includes me, are content with just leaving things up to an omnipotent force. There has to be a level of responsibility and accountability that we as a species have to meet.

We can’t just put it all on “God’s” shoulders and hope for the best. I sincerely believe that is not we are here to accomplish. What would this world be like if we all just sat back and waited?

And I’m not trying to prove there is a God or that their is a heaven or hell. That type of journey probably is a big waste of time because if we were capable of finding him, then the allure, the luster, and the intrigue would, like you said, be kind of pointless. We’re not meant to know everything. A hard pill to swallow for some. Besides, if God wanted to be seen, then God would make that obvious.

However, this is where I and myriad others differ on the subject. I believe it is ok to ask questions. I’m not one to just sit and say “everything will be ok as long as I believe”. Sure. Believing, trusting, and taking those blind leaps of faith might earn my soul points, but to me I’m not sure I really believe in the heaven and hell part of it. I have recently leaned towards a “it’s all about now” belief and if they do exist, maybe they’re what our minds and souls make them.

We are here to live and that’s what’s important. How we treat our bodies and how we treat others. There are ten simple rules set in stone for us and if we cannot live and abide by those, then heaven and hell are the least of our worries. The body being the vessel that carries us around. I believe we are supposed to use this vessel for better ways.

Earthly/Nature? I define it as investing in what has been given to us. Nobody owned Earth, and nobody owns it today. This is not our land. We simply have it on loan. We should pay homage to nature, the ground that gives us life. Without it there would be no farming, no food, and about a million other things we wouldn’t have. Nature keeps the gears turning. Yet humankind constantly abuses it, and destroys it. It’s to me, like spitting in your landlord’s face after he allows you to live rent free, and when you do, you get evicted.

Once again, we can’t just sit back and expect God to replenish the forests and reincarnate the animals after they are extinct. We should learn to ration what is given to us and not overindulge, because one day we may have to answer for our crimes against our planet. It’s having a healthy, admiration, appreciation, and respect for the Earth and its Flora & Fauna.

The life givers…

Savior Zero: Vol. 1, Scene 3…

Scene Three: Norway.

Drammen, Norway. 3:18pm. Oslo Steel.

Frost: Sometime long ago I had a vision of what I was meant for. Dr. Locke believes he can remedy us by forcing us to become obsequious to his potion. I believe there are more alternatives to this Feral.

The man is Ian Frost.

Feral: (Snarls)

Frost: What do you mean?? You surely jest. I could have left you there to die. (Pause) Instead I freed you to do what you do best…make art.

Frost makes his way to a bay window overlooking the town of Drammen. In the glass is a reflection. A man, pale and ashen reveals himself. This is Ian Frost. His skull vastly larger than normal humans. Veins pulse and course over his face and bald skull like worms under the surface. His eyes dull, the color of fire with no pupils.

Frost: The Doctor is busy recruiting. Brainwashing more and more minions with his rhetoric of victimization and persecution. Just a short trip Feral. Do your worst. (Slow laughter)

Frost nails closed a large wooden crate and signals for his servants.

Frost: See that it gets there as scheduled.

Servant 1: Yes, sir.

Frost: No screw ups.

Servant 2: Got it.

Frost: The Dr. will see you…now.

Cut to Austin and Ashley’s apartment. Two days later.

Ashley: You’re kidding me??

Eddie: No, I’m not. The guy grew a baby…kid-fetus, looked like a fetus in his hand and then his assistant, can’t remember her name, she did something to me.

Ashley: Austin, I swear, if you got a blowjob from some skank, I’m gonna split you from ear-to-ear!!

Eddie: No! It ain’t like that!

Ashley: I’ve had it with your indiscretions!!

Eddie: (Firmly but Calmly) It wasn’t…

Ashley: Every time I turn my back!!

Eddie: Would you shut the fuck up!?

(Long Pause)

Eddie: It was a vision…not a lay.

Ashley: A vision?

Eddie: Like some sort of LSD trip.

Ashley: So, you took LSD at some doctor’s office?

Eddie: NO! Look…

Banging at the door.

Ashley: Sheesh! Knock my door down will ya??

Eddie: (To Himself) God damned banging continues as Ashley heads from the ash stained sofa to the door. She opens the door. A bloody man falls onto her knocking both of them to the ground. Lots of blood. Lorde is screaming her head off. Without blinking I realize that I’ve left the couch and have closed the door and have begun to pull the blood soaked man off of her. She’s crimson red now and still screaming. Shit. Locke. He’s fucked bad.

Ashley: Oh God! Oh God!! Shit! Austin what have you done?!

Eddie: I’ve done nothing! (Pause) Now quiet the fuck down before the whole damned building calls the cops! I hate cops!!

Eddie: (To Himself) She’s quiet now but not calm. She’s hyperventilating though. I give her a Ziploc. Left lying around weed baggies can help…every now and then.

Ashley: Who is it??

Eddie: The doctor I saw today. Locke. Malcolm Locke.

Eddie: (To Himself) The blood has pooled on the floor and is congealing. It stinks like aluminum.

Ashley: Shit! What happened to him??

Eddie: (To Himself) I don’t know. I’m freaking out. Sweating. Did I do this? Nah. Not my work. Killers know there own work, right? Like a painter knows his own brush stroke. Suddenly, he moves. He’s alive! I nudge his arm with my hand. It falls to the floor. His intestines fall with it. Stop thinking Austin, he’s trying to speak. This might be important you fool.

Locke: (Stutters a whisper) Feral.

Ashley: What?? Who??

Eddie: Quiet!

Eddie: What?? Who??

Locke: The time…the…the time is now.

Ashley: What??

Locke: Save them…save them all…from what he is…from what we are.

Eddie: (To Himself) Blood splatters out of his mouth like a bird bath fountain. It splatters my face, into my mouth but I can’t close my jaw. It’s frozen open. I’m gagging inside but ice on the exterior.

Locke: He’ll kill us all…he…can not be stopped…but…but…

Eddie: But what?

Locke: But the time is now. Feral is loosed.

Eddie: This…Feral did this?

Locke: Yes.

Eddie: (To Himself) Holy…damn.

Locke: You…are their savior. The ones you hate, that hate you… I never told you.

Eddie: Told me what?

Locke: Your parents…

Eddie: What about them?!

Locke: They were…they were victims too. The government…they killed them but…but they believed in humanity…you must save no one. They will hate you, stalk you, want you dead but for the good of humanity…you must save no one! Destroy him by destroying everything!

Eddie: (To Himself) Save no one? Destroy everything? Great. What have you gotten yourself into Austin?

Ashley: Shit!!

Eddie: What?

Ashley: He’s dead!!

Eddie: (To Himself) Yep.

Eddie: Why’d this asshole have to die here? I didn’t ask for this!

Ashley: What the fuck is going on, Austin?!

Eddie: (To Himself) What the fuck is going on? I’m no hero but I’m not supposed to be one. I’m no assassin or mass murderer either. I’m certainly no savior. It’s fitting. The savior of no one.

Ashley: What is happening, Austin?! God damn it! Tell me!

Eddie: Gonna have to wait. We need to call the cops. I hate cops!

41 minutes later.

Eddie: (To Himself) He startles me but his voice cracks me like a bull whip. They just had to send that son of a bitch Agee.

Agee: A dead body and Eddie Austin. What a surprise. Long time no see Austin. Wait. No, it’s been about two weeks. How’d that drunk in public turn out for you anyway?

Eddie: Fine. Six months probation and an alcohol treatment class.

Agee: Yeah. You haven’t signed up for that yet. I should haul you in right now because of that but looks like we have something a little meatier to sink our teeth into, isn’t that right Austin?

Eddie: Yeah. Seems so.

Agee: Ugh. Poor fuck. Didn’t take you for the disemboweling sort, Austin.

Eddie: I didn’t do this. Not my style.

Agee: Right. You like the whole cave in the skull route.

Eddie: Look, ask the dame pig! She’ll vouch.

Horatio: Excuse me. Excuse me! Let me through.

Agee: Who the hell is this guy, hey, who the hell are you??

Horatio: My name is (stepping over a CSU technician) Horatio Wexler. I’m the attorney for the deceased.

Agee: Can’t possibly see how you’d be essential now. (Belly laughs)

Eddie: (To Himself) Fat fuck and his obnoxious laugh. If he’d put down the fried foods and beer and pick up his puffy feet…he’d probably be less repulsive…but I wouldn’t count on it.

Horatio: This is true but I’m also counsel for Mr. Austin.

Eddie: (To Himself) I stand there silently but I’m quite sure my puzzled look gives me away. I don’t have an attorney. Never did and until now, never would.

Horatio: Now, if you don’t…mind…Detective…I’d like a moment with my client.

(Silence)

Horatio: Ok, Detective??

Agee: Fine.

Eddie: (To Himself) Fat fuck’s dropping his stogie ashes on my rug. Only my ashes go there. The pubic louse.

Eddie: Hey look…Mr.

Horatio: Wexler.

Eddie: Wexler. Right. I don’t know who sent you but I don’t have a lawyer.

Horatio: You do now. Compliments of Dr. Locke.

Eddie: Pardon?

Horatio: Dr. Locke foresaw of this moment. I’m sure he filled you in on his…gifts.

Eddie: Yeah. Hey, pig…don’t touch her!

Horatio: Yes, yes…officers…my clients are not to be interrogated or questioned until they have consulted with counsel. Laws are laws.

Eddie: Why do I need you?

Horatio: Because I have explicit instructions and besides…there’s a man on your living room floor that is missing his guts and with your history…without me, you’re doing time in Paradise. Fifty to life I’d say so if I were you, I’d shut up and listen.

Eddie: (To Himself) What can I say? Man has a point.

Eddie: Ok.

Horatio: Dr. Locke was a prepared man. That being said, he has prepared an alibi with witnesses for you and the broad.

Eddie: But I didn’t do this.

Horatio: Tell that to that fat fucking blubber stain with the cigar. He’s looking for a reason to slam you into the joint.

Eddie: Great.

Horatio: Now, here’s the deal. You, your lady friend were out with some of Dr. Locke’s acquaintances at a local tavern. You came home and found your door wide open, Dr. Locke dead on the floor. You checked his pulse and his guts splattered out and soaked you and the broad. Got me?

Eddie: Got you…but

Horatio: What?

Eddie: What about you? Why are you here?

Horatio: Dr. Locke’s cell phone. Didn’t check that did you?

Eddie: Why would I?

Horatio: Dr. Locke was on the phone with my office when the call abruptly ended. I immediately traced his call and rushed over. Dr. Locke and I had been discussing filing a suit against a local company for infringing on a formula that regenerates genetic tissue.

Eddie: Really?

Horatio: Yeah! No, you idiot, it’s the cover and that’s what we’re going to feed those cops out there. Dr. Locke had something bigger planned for you and being in the hoosegow wasn’t it.

Eddie: (To Himself) The worm wasn’t like the rest of the bloodsucking scum of the law world. He had a plan and I liked that. I trotted my ass out to Agee and fed him the story. After conferring with his cronies and the brass he bought it hook, line and sinker and cut me loose. Told me and Lorde not to leave town though. The lawyer gave me a package, a manila envelope. In it was a letter from Dr. Locke.

Dear Mr. Austin,

By now, you’ve most certainly been informed of my untimely demise. In fact, I am quite sure that you there when it happened. Sometimes these things aren’t as simple as they seem. Anyway, to the matter at hand. Ms. Lamont is awaiting your arrival in Toronto. The address is on an index card. Memorize it and then drop the slip of paper along with this letter into any container of water.

Unfortunately, at this time, it is too risky and dangerous for Ms. Lorde to accompany you. I have made arrangements for her. She will be in good hands and safe. You have my word. I am still a bit fuzzy as I am penning this as to whether or not you have had the unfortunate privilege of meeting the one they call “Feral”.

“Feral” is a creature, plain and simple. Lacking empathy and human emotions he has developed abilities such as speed, strength and an extreme set of senses. His skin, unfortunately, has been discolored due to the vaccine. It is now a shade of yellow. Familiarize yourself with the scent of ammonia and you should be able to pluck him from the shadows.

He is here because of a man named Ian Frost. Ian was one of the original scientists working on the vaccine. He was not as willing to self test as I was and has resented humanity ever since. Ian is absolutely brilliant. His I.Q. score isn’t even near the realm of genius. It goes beyond and his powers are greater than any of us can even begin to imagine. The vaccine was unkind to him.

Mr. Austin. You are the one survivor that even has a remote chance of stopping Frost. I trust you will exhaust all of your options. Find Ms. Lamont.

Begin your journey.

Your friend,

Malcolm

So…it’s off to Toronto, to find Acid.

I had seen the dame before. Outside Chicky’s and inside a few of my old haunts, just staring me down. Being the arrogant asshole that I am, I merely thought that she wanted a taste of old Austin but it never happened. Something kept me on a leash and it wasn’t Lorde. I pretended like I had never seen her before…I don’t know why. All of this was just as confusing as it was disturbing…however, it was enticing, the thought of being something, somebody, some use.