No. I’m Not Alright…

How do you communicate to people that you’re not suicidal but don’t want to live anymore?

I know that’s a coarse question to start off with so, let me back up a second.

I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself. I just don’t want to live anymore. See what I mean? It’s confusing. I’ve tried three times to kill myself already in my lifetime and have either changed my mind or failed. In those cases I was copping out, running away but I’m older and wiser and I know my situation isn’t going to change or suddenly become bright and shiny so, I’m not copping out and running away, I’ve already faced most of my demons and just no longer see the point.

Darkness has always lived in me. I was born into it and I’ve spent more than four decades trying to navigate that darkness and somehow manage to like myself there, let alone love myself in it.

My problems are not really all that different than others and in many cases are far smaller but, you know when you’re watching a movie and about halfway through, you know it’s a shite movie and you’re done, so, you turn it off. That’s where I’m at. I’m done. I don’t like this movie and I would like to turn it off.

I have a medical condition that leaves me in constant physical pain. I live around the clock in depression, severe anxiety and PTSD from a former abusive marriage where I was controlled, emotionally assaulted, physically battered and ultimately raped repeatedly. My ex is responsible for me losing two years of my life after our divorce because of false charges that landed me in jail, before I was exonerated.

My Mother is nearing her finish line, no matter what I try. I’m not running away from that as I’ve lost friends and family to suicides, car wrecks, overdoses, etc. all my life. My job requires me to work with women and children that have been stabbed, abused, raped and almost murdered on a daily basis. That job also requires me to deal with some of the people involved in their abuses. That job is a 24/7 job too and has taken what little emotional depth I had remaining and drained it barren but I’m lucky, in America’s economy to have a job.

America is another issue. We’ve become decadent, psychotic trash and the Republican Party is at the root of it but all we can do is vote? Yeah, nah.

Sure, I have my passport now and could leave this fucking shithole country but will it do any good?

Truth be told, yeah, I’m pretty fucking lonely. I’m not looking for sympathy. It is what it is. Would I like friends that live close enough to be social with on a frequent basis. Yeah, sure.

It’s not a matter of sex either. I’ve been Asexual since my marriage a decade ago and I simply have no interest in it. Would I like to have the company of the opposite sex on a consistent basis. Yes, I would, if I’m honest but it’s highly unlikely.

I’m in a progressive metal band and I love my bandmates like family and while we get along better and tighter than we ever have, I just cannot find the joy in recording music anymore and that makes me feel horrible because they are high as a kite about it. My voice isn’t what it used to be 20 years ago. The technology is different and I don’t feel like learning it. Their talents have grown and improved and I’ve regressed and I’m really not worth anything to them anymore.

I’ve always been a fighter, a survivor. There just comes a time when you can’t physically and emotionally fight anymore. Like, you literally just collapse and I’m at that point.

No, the Pandemic of COVID-19 didn’t help but I was rapidly retreating inward before then and I don’t know if I’m having a psychotic break or if I’ve already had one but…I’m just ready for the nightmare to be over…

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