I honestly think my equilibrium is my own worst enemy sometimes. The more I try to center myself, the dizzier I become…
My last true romantic interest hasn’t spoken to me in almost a month and that tells me where that would have led me. She stopped talking to me because she believes I am still hung up on the romantic interest before her and that is partially true, partially.
I still have a few feelings for her, I won’t lie to myself but it is nothing deep like once before and besides, she’s taken and it does me absolutely no good to dwell on it, would never have worked.
I still hear from her every now and then and as much as I desperately want to say something, hell, anything at all to her, there is just something that will not allow me to, that just clinches off my ability to speak. That rolls up the newspaper and pops me on the head with it and says “NO!”.
Part of this is a conscious desire I am sure but I don’t know what the other part is at all. I think I am losing my sanity, not that I had any to begin with. I just like to tell myself that I am sane to keep from going insane from knowing I’m insane! There are only so many times one’s bridge can be set ablaze, I guess (shrugs)…
I don’t know why I can’t just cut the rope and watch her float away in the current, why I can’t seem to get beyond it or get her out of my head. Maybe it is because I am a perfectionist. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I just like the abuse. Whatever the reason is, it has not yet become clear…
It’s hard for me to let go of positive emotions though, because I don’t experience them that often and maybe that is why. My last real true relationship ended years ago and very badly. She cheated on me and then when busted, lied to my face.
It damaged me. It burned out every bulb of trust I had. It shrunk me down to something microscopic and it shattered my confidence and my opinion of myself.
I don’t know what it is about me that keeps fucking it up. I mean, I know I’m not very attractive but I have an actual sense of humor and a personality to boot but I think I am my own enemy. I guess maybe I wanted to be something other than this brooding, sarcastic and unfeeling asshole…and I guess that just isn’t possible.
So, I do the same little dance I always seem to do. And round and round I go, 360°, until I’ve inevitably come full circle.