Bastardland…

First of all, a lot of people have the impression that I’m just a ranting, negative asshole and while I do rant and rave and I am a negative person sometime, I still have feelings. Hard to believe, I know but they exist behind this manure encrusted façade.

So, recently, when I had a now ex-friend hurt me, I did what I normally do with hurt feelings and negative energy. I wrote it out. And thanks to her, I’ve been writing…a lot. I believe that sometimes writing a letter to someone you have an issue with, whether they read it, understand it or not helps the person feeling that way tremendously.

Think of it as therapy…

I’ve been hurting people a lot lately also. I’m consciously aware of that. Whether it be with words or denials of attention and acknowledgement. But only the ones who have consistently hurt me. I’ve undergone this transformation, a sort of reverse catabolism if you will. I began to see things, faults, red flags etc. more acutely and was able, unlike years gone by, to act on them and make the needed changes.

I look back at the last four years as an “openly anguished period” in my life. A period where I was open emotionally and mentally, especially to other people. Unfortunately, this period clouded my judgment and vision and it allowed certain undesirables to infiltrate my daily life, ultimately hurting me.

I refer to these people as “parasitic humans” much akin to leeches, sucking the blood, the life and the spirit from me. I had to find a way to cut their hooks out of my skin. It was time for me to make a choice, to not take it anymore, to stop being used and abused. To get up and pick off the blood-suckers. One by one.

I’ve been disappointing people a lot lately because I’ve been hurting a lot lately. My decisions to remove people from my life, even if they are selfish parasites is something that I am struggling with greatly and I have grown a little despondent and maybe a little depressed by some of them. Kind of like an addiction and now I’ve gone cold turkey.

-But-

The choice to remove some of these people was necessary. Whether the “connection” was just gone or whether they did something to get on my bad side, it just needed to happen. Was a matter of pulling the trigger.

Looking back at a couple of these relationships, it is painfully obvious as to how fast they were in a tail spin, how rapidly they had become stale, stagnant and a one way street. It hurts when your feelings were more than just “pals”. With more than just one person. Especially when those feelings were never reciprocated by either of them and they were the basis of my initial reasoning.

There is only so much rejection and dejection a person can mentally handle before that person cracks and has to remove the person hurting them from their lives. My way is being a prick. It usually works. I don’t know. It was so much easier when I was closed off, unfeeling and cold-blooded and I desire very much so to return to my comfort level of being. I’m a lone wolf by Nature. I do have a wolfpack and they love, care and worry about me but I like to roam, be solitary.

But I’m still having a hard time with moving ahead, staying focused and not looking back or down. It used to be so easy for me. What happened? It was almost like the people that I knew and who knew me, that deserved it recognized this metamorphosis happening. They took a stand, told me they were on my side, with me all the way. They made a choice to stick with me, no matter what. No. They showed me they wanted it.

The other half…they either were oblivious or like a couple I’ve met…they blew it off, laughed at me, scoffed and dismissed me…and now…they’re on the outside looking in. Watch out for those “friends” that wield daggers; because you never know when one of them might wind up in your spine. This comes down to
human nature. My life’s motto when it comes to humans: “Trust no one. Believe nothing and question everything.”…

To the people that decided I was worth it?

I say thank you…

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