Abnormal Prodigy: It’s Hard To Fight Naked…

Ahhh, the PCP story. Not my finest moment but funny none-the-less.

I’ve always been socially withdrawn and fairly misanthropic. Just the tedium and monotony of partying, people constantly trying to get laid and then doing it all over again bored the hell out of me. I socialized but with the group of friends I knew. I was a classic wallflower but I wasn’t before that. I was a serious consumer of all things alcohol and plenty of other illicit substances and when I woke up naked in a bathtub in some person’s house that I didn’t know…for the second time, I started to get tired of it. And then, one night in a pool hall, when I was 15, someone gave me a joint. I, of course, took it, but…didn’t know it was laced with PCP.

It was just after midnight and I was behind the Neon Palace, in the dumpster lane, with trash and red solo cups and shit just everywhere, pants around my ankles in my boxers, no idea where my shirt and jacket were. I was screaming bloody murder and doing this duck waddle/run back and forth begging for someone to let me in because it was going to kill me. It was a 20 foot tall polar bear, blood dripping out of his mouth, I thought one of my arms was amputated and he was right on top of me.

Then I was trying to climb into the big green dumpster to hide from Forrest Gump but I couldn’t get in because my pants and boxer shorts were around my ankles.

My deadbeat friends were at the doorway laughing like it was the funniest damn thing anyone had ever said or done. They dragged me in and I blacked out. Next afternoon I woke up with a massive headache and the first thing I did was check for my arm, which was obviously still there. Later they explained that I wasn’t screaming about a polar bear at all but that I was Batman and that I was stuck in my batsuit and I had wrecked batmobile behind the Walmart in Baltimore. I wasn’t in Baltimore, I was in Redding, CA. I’ve never even been to Baltimore but I was totally freaking out because Willie Nelson and Forrest Gump were on their way to the FBI to tell them I was Batman and I was panicking, trying to get my batsuit off before they could find me, so, I’m screaming at them about getting this armored rubber suit off but in reality I was just getting naked.

Then I was trying to climb into the big green dumpster to hide from Forrest Gump but I couldn’t get in because my pants and boxer shorts were around my ankles. But, what was actually going through my warped little brain was this massive polar bear that was trying to murder me and despite pleading with my friends to help, they were just laughing at me.

I have no recollection of how I got home or who brought me home. The most embarrassing part? Having to explain to my Mother why I was sleeping naked with my sneakers on.

15 years old and it just fucked me up and I stopped drinking and smoking stuff. Until the next year when one of my friend’s talked me into speed and scotch and I got busted for burglary. I don’t remember any of it but served several months. When I got out, I withdrew from it all. Then it turned really dark and really gruesome. Our center, our core, the friend we all turned to for love and laughter and comfort killed himself on Christmas Eve. A year later, another of us overdosed on heroin.

And just like that…it was…over.

Never do PCP! You’re gonna have a bad time. I can’t fathom why people intentionally do it!

Shark Story…

Shark Story

So, when I turned 20, I started playing games on a website for shits and giggles. I began talking to a woman on there and things escalated pretty quickly. Now, my first red flag should have been that she lied about her age and was twice as old as I was but that didn’t matter to me because here was this older, beautiful woman who was totally interested in me and heaping all of this attention on me and so when I turned 21 we began planning a trip to meet up with each other.

Both of us flew to Orlando to meet before going to Ormond Beach where she had a condo. So we meet up, grab a bag of liquor and head out. The first night we were just tired and slept but the next day the weather was okay, overcast and rainy but we were sloshed and wanted to go swimming. It was windy and grey but we did our swimming thing for a while until she wanted to come out and sit for awhile.

I stayed in the water. It was at this point that I noticed I was in water so deep I couldn’t touch the bottom. So, I’m floating on my back and she’s just a little dot when behind me, this splattering rang out. I started treading and turned around. About a foot away were all of these small fish. Some were medium sized mullet breaching the water. It was kind of cool watching them but they were getting closer and closer until they were jumping all around me, some of them hitting me in the chest and face but then they just moved on and I started floating again.

A minute goes by and I hear this splash behind me. Harder than the little fish, bigger. I turned and saw nothing but when I turned around to face the shore a huge splash happened to my left and in front of me cruised a dorsal fin, about 9-10 inches tall with a black tip. I froze and it went under to my right as it curved around me.

This is the only time in my life where being drunk actually saved my ass.

I immediately start swimming toward shore when this massive splash happens in front of me and this time I saw its body all the way back to the caudal fin. It was definitely a shark and probably about 7-8 feet long too. I stop swimming as fiercely and start creeping forward.

And that’s when I felt the huge thud into my left thigh. It was rough like sandpaper as it slid across my leg. I then surfaced and circled me again but I didn’t panic. I slowly went back to floating on my back and started stroking forward to the shore. As I got to where I could stand, the water was still up to my neck and the shark surfaced again. Now I started to move with urgency because the shark was tracking me. It was stalking me. Getting closer to me, inch by inch at first. Inches became feet.

As I got to shoulder level water, my legs were swept from under me by a rip current. I tumbled in a cartwheel and I knew to just ride it out but I was being pummeled with a shark nearby. The rip current dragged me all the way to the shore and I came to rest right by a Horseshoe Crab. I was pissed at the current so I stood and yelled “Fuck you!!” at the ocean just as a huge wave crashed into me, breaking my nose. I had been swept a quarter of a mile down the beach by the current and had to stagger all the way back to her and she had no clue that I had just gotten really lucky. Although, in retrospect, the river of blood pouring out of my nose was probably more jarring and alarming.

So, after I went back home, I was watching the news and they were doing helicopter fly-overs that showed thousands, and I mean thousands of sharks swimming right where I had been swimming. In fact, experts named that summer the “Summer of the Shark” because of all of the attacks. And, to top it all off, there was a major tropical storm to the southeast of us at the time.

My own personal Perfect Storm.

I had a friend who was a Marine Biologist and she said the only reason that shark didn’t bite and tear me apart was because I was too drunk and they apparently don’t like the smell of alcohol and so it moved on.

This is the only time in my life where being drunk actually saved my ass.

Trepanning…

Trepanning
5/3/06

I see dreams in a window, being rearranged.
Inside arcs of tingling bars, backlights a
palmate and I am feeling rather strange.

Feelings of raw percussion, cling to my skin.
And I was skeptical at first, until you took my
hand, assured me I wouldn’t feel a thing.

(Anymore)

And away and in a second and in a fog.
A daze has left me weary of the talking
to the walls and myself.

Claps of starving thunder, filling my void.
Please, scrape away the tissue, every cell.
I am seeing stars. (But I am feeling just fine)

(Better than before)

Eyes.
Wide.
Empty, by the here and now.
Even though they seem so familiar here.
Woven through my scars, dance like fireflies
in an esoteric light, there’s something
mystical here!

Reach out, hold the sky’s weight.
Numb to the core, but I do not mind.
(I’m getting smaller by the minute)
And every thought was intertwined,
with every fiber of my psyche and
as I rest my head forever and I
feel myself begin to dissipate…
§

The Alcazar…

The Alcazar

Startled by your, skeptical being.
You’re shattering, my inner doubtful lost demons
An elegant breeze.
Blows through the strands surrounding.
You’re…

Warm like winter.
Backwards and confusing.
I am not a trampled flower.
Crushed and brittle to the gusts of…

Show me emptiness.
Unable is persuasion.
And this is my apology, as well as a surrender
Show me tranquility.
Light and blue to tender.
And this is just a memory

A hollow riveting, shines like mirrors.
Daring me to fall.
Into your mystery.
And shivering with fearful entities.
Bitten by the dawn’s blue frost.
And if I’m pulled to the ground.
Will there be the shadow?

Inside the cell again…

Gripping to the bars!
Desperate for you to forgive!
I’ll justify the plea.
I’ll cry just like a child!
Once you see the villain.
The enemy in me.
Once I know that you’ll let go!
Of the relics I’ve defiled!
I’ll cast away all persuasions.
In the cage where I will die!

Show me solitude.
Unable to lose this.
Fading recollection.

Apprehension beckons me to,
leave the ledge and plummet down.
And show me reasoning!

Why this has to be this way!

Mute…

Mute
3/28/2008

A throne of chiseled fury holds a stifled little
breath of discontent.
A small but giant wraith possesses ire
and petulance.

And upon this angry altar is a sinner this time
dying to be a saint.
And from way up high he contemplates the meaning
of this place.

With lips bound.
Without a sound.
Vigilant.
His testament, better left unsaid.
And silent he remains…

So wars of undiscovered words, fought by thoughts
with no foundation, his demise
So many possibilities squandered, opportunities
gone by and it doesn’t make sense.

One last chance at no way out to fuel the bonfire
of more constraint.
One more day of this oppression wrought with
obsession and he just might.

With lips bound.
Without a sound.
And silent he remains…

Distemper…

Distemper
02.23.2020

I.
Would love to see you change.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

I.
Would love to rearrange.
The chemicals, you can’t outgrow.

What secrets lie beneath this
Devil’s throne?
Bewildered by and insolent.
When affliction’s, your coping stone.

I’m sorry, I couldn’t care.
Whether your eyes,
and bones,
are even there.

Cold.
Severed.
The air, is not so clear.

And I’ll crawl!
Before I grow!
Before I throw!
Surrender!
All away…

As snow does to a fire.
Some nest from which escapes.
Has murmured its ballad.
While your fault lines conspire.

Cold!
Sheltered!
The air, is not so clean.

And I’ll crawl!
Before I grow!
Before I throw!
Surrender!
All away…

And I’ll ride this wave of heresy.
Beneath your voodoo path and way.
Incredulous, I look away.
I’ve nothing left for you to see.
The Demons that you hold so deep.
I pray that you’ll someday release.
But if your means to medicate.
Continue on this artery.
I promise you I won’t remain.
While you drown yourself in tragedy!

I’m gone.
Wounded.
The drug, is now your vein.

And I’ll crawl.
Before I grow.
Before I throw.
Concenter.
Disarray…

I promise you!

I won’t remain…

The Frame…

The Frame
11/14/2006

Sun gives way, to a fiery amputation.
Suck down the poison I have tasted.
Say my prayers for asphyxiation.
This is the end I’ve anticipated.

Forgot what your face looks like.
Can’t seem to replace the blur.
Can’t seem to, shake the desperate feelings
of knowing where we were.

Dear beautiful memory, it won’t
change anything.
And dear selfishness, I can’t seem
to end the suffering.

Stayed silent.
When I should have just dreamed.
Kept to myself.
Thoughts, words and things
I should have just screamed.

Dear terrifying memory, why do you forsake me,
by fading away?
Dear mortifying memory, that I have long forgotten,
that has long forgotten me.

Keep trying to sway this creature!
Only to see my own face as the reason!
At my own self-righteous pulpit,
I’m the preacher, the disease!

Dear beautiful memory.
That I have mercifully forgotten.

That has long forgotten me…
§

Peyote Angel, Withers 11…

Peyote Angel, Withers 11

Somehow I’ll do this on my own.
This reconnection.
Hand on this scalpel.
Seen it.
Trauma only excites me and I am my evidence
as perfectly one.

Something’s burning behind the cage.
Just have to set her free.
No it’s not the potion.
The drugs, the poison.
The fruit from your Judas Tree.

The Shaman tells me how to cut.
Eyes connected.
Blood to the dust
and mutilation is a rite of passage.

I must be out of this mind!

Fingers in the cavity.
Right through the center.
Lies a mirror, to the inner, self-inflicted,
warning sickness, Earthly tremors,
So sadistic.
Walls of mirrors.

(I see what I don’t want to see…)

Cause I’m a dying fish swimming in the
purest of waters.
And I’m a silent example of how it
should somehow never be!
And I’m, so conflicted,
from this, goddamned weakness,
and I can’t remember,
if anything is real!

I must be out of this mind!

One soul fighting, one last cell,
killing arteries to starve the
power to recall, in my,
own addicted, shroud of deepness,
in the chasm I have carved!

Right through.
Right here
I am I.
I do not mind if the fucking end is nigh!

Right through me!

Such bright lights and deafening wisdom.
Where would I be, without this crippling sensation?
Who says it is has to be so cognizant and simple?
Cut through every fucking muscle,
just to let the demons breathe.
And every photograph is cauterized,
I will slice right through my, last reminder,
kneel behind her–

Right through…
§

Aberration Belladonna

Aberration Belladonna
10/13/2006

Where have I been wandering?
And should I be concerned about these bruises?
All of this confusion leaves me
puzzled yet amused.

Found another little problem.
Another void to fill.
And where the hell is my reason?
And how did I lose myself again?

Choices killed the strength and
now the flame expounds the dark.
Keeping you at arm’s length was
my one failed question mark.

Where have I self-destructed?
Seems to be the last place that I felt.
Who I used to be is a distant memory
of someone who cannot be helped.

Listened to the beating of a heart
that wasn’t really there.
Now there’s bedlam in the soul and
there’s a tear that’s caused a rift.

(I knew better!)
Left my last rites in her hand.
(Knew better!)
Down the rabbit hole again.
(I knew better!)
Another stranger to the bitter end.

Horrendous…

Horrendous

Still think we’ll be sober by November?
Thankfulness screaming to the worshipers
left to cry!

Leaving all this behind me.
Behind us won’t seem to.
Tolerate much more distance.

And I pull me, push you
away from my scars and
the pain you will feel.

Still thinking we’ll be sober
enough to hold one another close?
Enough not to fall away?
Enough not drift away?

This path of least resistance, leaves me hollow
and you see me, as something indifferently
unable to accept the love that you’re
giving to me!

Oh, I must…
Oh, I trust…
I fail…

And I’m face down in myself and my
arrogance that you can’t see and
the trinity and severance by hurt
of the agony, of shoving you to the wide open
arms of another!

Days gone by.
Picking up precious reminders.
Of how unholy this can be!

Four becomes two becomes none
leaves you vulnerable confused
and fading and falling and flailing
in the horrendous!