The Answer…

I will let you in on something that only a few people have been told. It’s not that I trust you to keep in a vault (no offense), but rather I think that it is appropriate. It’s not the entire story or all of the details but it is a portion.

I haven’t shared many details about my “experience” with anyone. Even though articles suggest that it is a common occurrence to have experiences, even paranormal experiences while under anesthesia. However, the first part of my ordeal left me with hints or suggestions as to what it wanted me to see or know.

You can believe what I tell you; if you choose to. If you don’t I am not offended as sometimes I don’t believe it either.

Before I learned about what had been bestowed upon me and notice I did not say “gift”, and never mind the symbols, I could see things about people. For instance when they were being untruthful, or I could just sense that things were not what they seem. It is just a feeling that I did not have before and it is very difficult to explain.

Before any “I see dead people…” jokes enter your mind let me assure you that it is nothing that creepy or movie-like at all. I’m not psychic, I don’t claim to be, and I possess no form of telepathy. Most of it (visions) happens during a dream. Random images, attached to thoughts, and feelings. The symbols are a prime example of that. The symbols+the thought+the desire to search=finding solace through Native teachings. I cannot explain it and believe me, I have tried to rationalize it to the point of insanity.

These sequences were not always nice, cordial or even confusing. Some were terrifying and came fully loaded with feelings of guilt, hatred, anger, and pain. Many a night has been spent sitting with the light on and the television on. Yet, I still don’t think of them as nightmares or night terrors, even though I never had “nightmares” before the surgery.

One afternoon my friends dragged me into the cess-pool known as Wal-Mart. Every person I passed gave off a different vibe. Some of them were docile but others made me overly-anxious and made me squirm. It was almost like there was something crawling beneath the surface, just begging to escape, and I felt like it would not be a pleasant one. I get the same angry vibes from people at our shows. That probably gives you a little insight into why I rarely stick around when they are over.

So, after weeks of dealing with this new…”thing”…I turned to pain killers. I already was taking them for my knees, but it was less than the prescribed dosage. I increased the dosage and within a two month period had tripled it. This, of course was during our break from communication. It helped, dulled my senses, and most of all kept me from feeling.

About three months later I had another dream. A very simple dream that consisted of a stop sign and a feeling of desire, desire for stability. The next day I made the decision to stop taking pills and to no longer try to find an answer for my little “situation”. Instead, I was just going to handle it, stifle it back, and let it breathe. Of course, the comedown and withdrawal from the opiates was pretty rough and I had to start taking it again so I could taper off of it…cold turkey just did not work. Finally after about a month I had kicked it.

To this day I catch myself wandering, trying to grasp an answer to it. I feel most days like I am carrying around a parasite. Perhaps that is why I have this new found fascination with parasites, and why I write using them as metaphors quite often.

As far as the affliction goes…it’s still here, not going anywhere, but I have learned how to control it, and use it to my advantage. You wouldn’t think something as subtle as a “vibe” could cause so much turmoil, confusion, and self-loathing, but it can, and did. I don’t know. Maybe the state of unconsciousness tweaked a part of my brain that unleashed this little creature, or maybe the anesthesia left me vulnerable to some kind of psychokinetic transfer, sort of like picking up a nail while driving.

I have read numerous documentations about people being knocked out and coming to with some sort of memory that wasn’t there before. Some sects of Indigenous Peoples are certain that spirits that are left behind or in limbo give off energy that has no place to go. They believe we as human beings are merely vessels, sponges or conduits for the spirit and its energy. We are able to give off this energy (some refer to it as an aura) and we are able to receive it as well.

I am comfortable with that theory. Why? Because it is the most plausible theory I have heard or read. It also ties in with the symbols in a more than just coincidental way. I was in my 30’s when a DNA test revealed that I was a quarter Hidatsa on my deadbeat Father’s side. I’ve since spent myriad hours and days at Fort Berthold in North Dakota. I was accepted with open arms and the Elders and Shaman helped find gravity, purpose and an understanding of my heritage and lineage. Being left along in the foothills and woodlands across the bay was not only the most intense and frightening 24 hours of my life, it was the most enlightening also, and the brightest day on the darkest night (literally) in a lifetime of total darkness (figuratively).

All of that does have a point. The point being I know how it feels to have emotional surges, uncontrolled, and unexplained. The scariest part of it is being faced with the reality of what you were. That can sometimes be more frightening than anything that is ever happened to us.

Sometimes there are no answers, and sometimes the answer you are looking for is just another question. It is hard enough just to exist within yourself. We aren’t meant to know everything and that is where humanity has gone terribly wrong. This is nature, nature is an entity that cannot always be explained. Why things happen to us or happen in general happen for a reason but the reason belongs to nature.

All things are connected. Mind, body and spirit…

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