It has been a very chaotic week for me emotionally and mentally. What happens when the left brain and right brain begin to hate one another and wage war upon the other? A schism of sorts between the two when both, in theory, should be functioning as a whole unit.
This has to be some cosmic, karma induced test, has to be…
It feels as though I am being pulled in a thousand different directions all at once most of the time. Between current people in my life, past people in my life and people I am currently talking to, I’m just afraid I am burning out. Some of these people I have hurt due to being hurt by others. Some of them I want to hurt like I do. And the rest just sort of demand their own unique aspects.
I keep making the same fucking mistakes and only wind up hating myself more in the process. Maybe it is some sort of learning disability or something. Hell, maybe, maybe I’m completely retarded and just now am I learning this.
It is amazing how we wind up falling victim to the same con jobs over and over and can never see it coming the time after. I have let a person single handedly ruin something positive for me with another person and now it is time for me to step back and evaluate what kind of person I am because I am not the man I thought I was.
I have to figure out that vulnerability. That chink in the armor, the Achilles Heel that keeps me from slamming the door shut, locking it and throwing away the key. Life is so cyclical in terms of interaction with other members of the species sometimes. As if we are all doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again…just in different ways and with different people.