I’ve always been proud of myself for being able to let go of people that did me wrong or caused me harm. I have also been able to purge emotions and feelings from my system almost effortlessly in the same respect.

Recently, I have caused myself a great deal of anguish, pain and stress that I just do not need these days.

I like to consider myself a decent person that does the right thing and who is loyal to those he cares about. And I don’t know, maybe I’ve changed over the years or maybe I am changing and just cannot see it yet.

I allow people to get too close sometimes and I wind up being taken advantage of, being used and then inevitably hurt.

I mean, I knew that opening up to this person again was risky. I just didn’t know that by doing so I was only harming myself. Her whole situation should have been left untouched by me, avoided and I should have known better than to get involved but I cared. My only crime was that I gave a damn…

How much does that say about myself when all people do is mistake my kindness for some sort of invitation to be their doormat?

Not a lot…

I have gone back and forth the last several hours, contemplating, trying to figure out where my weakness in the armor is and whether or not I should return to my solitary and isolated existence. In one instance, longing almost begging for and end and a beginning to my once reclusive and sheltered life and in the next craving the same things I’ve never had.

Trust, honesty and most of all loyalty…

I’m loyal to the people I consider to be friends, to those I care for and about and I am willing to help them, to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of strength when they are weak but the bottom line is that some people only want to use others for those qualities for their own benefit and to hell with what you think or feel…

I need to learn, relearn how to let people fall flat on their faces…

…some people need to.

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