Don’t Drink the Water. It Might Be Holy…

The argument of “God vs. No God” has escalated from debate to full-fledged war of the morons. For eons, people have felt the need to kill one another all for some omnipotent deity hidden high up in the sky and the whole thing just reeks of programmed androids and war machines to me.

I grew up in a Baptist home and quickly learned that these secular people have almost as many skeletons in the closet and crosses to bear than other religions. Oh, say, like Catholicism.

Let’s put this notion out there for a moment. This Christian God of theirs is supposedly a loving and compassionate God and I think that’s cute. What God sits around watching his minions kill and be killed in his name and calls himself “loving”? And then has the audacity to tell them using his name in vain is a sin??

If there are Gods, then what makes anyone think their effigy is the right one and who the hell are they to go and blow someone up or assassinate someone because someone else disagrees? We’re not talking about freedom of religion or even freedom of choice in regards to religion. We’re talking about very confused and easily misled people being taken advantage of by bigoted, homophobic and egomaniacal zealots and religious despots. Namely Televangelists, Mega-Church Pastors and their ilk.

Granted, some people don’t deserve tolerance. Kenneth Copeland comes to mind. After reading a book on the grandiose figures of controversial days gone by at sixteen (while in the Juvenile Detention Center of all places, where bibles and Jesus are oh so prevalent), I read about Larry Flynt and his comments on Jerry Falwell. I don’t think I have laughed harder since. After finishing Paul Krassner’s [1] book the other day, it became clear that religion, at least the American version of Christianity has gone AWOL.

I wouldn’t want my name attached to the human race either at this point. So, maybe this “God” of these Christian “soldiers” (That’s appropriate. I guess the families and friends of the countless abortion doctors who have been murdered, a violation of the laws and rules given to them to by Moses, feel they are “soldiers” and that their relative/friend died for the good of humanity, huh?) and maybe this should be modernized. No longer are these crusaders defending their freedom and escaping the throws of being persecuted for their beliefs and oppressed by despotic regimes. No, now they are the ones doing the persecuting and oppressing. Look at our elections nationally. One of the reasons Trump was elected was because of his Evangelical Christian endorsements. Religion, religious beliefs and whether or not someone prays or reads the bible should not be crucial points in whether or not we elect a person to run this country, nor should it be any of our fucking business.

I honestly do not want some douche in a three-piece suit leaving the fate of the known world in the hands of a greedy and spiteful God. Especially, when said leader is contemplating pushing the button! The Constitution and the Rule of Law is the prevailing factor in Government and beside that, empathy and compassion are not solely religious tenets either. This country bears the stench of complacency and apathy. Smells sort of like a Skunk…or is that Kim Kardashian’s new perfume?

I’ve also never left anything in God’s hands. When a loved one dies, most typical Christians will offer these nuggets. 1) prayer and gee that gets you a long way, doesn’t it? 2) “He/she’s in a better place now” – how do you know?? Maybe he or she was an asshole that killed babies and abused women. Maybe he or she deserves to be in Hell, if there is one, and maybe, just maybe that is where he or she is now.

Religion is now an excuse to murder, maim, oppress and that’s a cop-out, an easy way for us puny-minded humans to shift accountability, responsibility and reality because we no longer can process emotions or deal with stressful situations, a way for us to keep our blinders on and our senses/emotions dulled.

So, maybe it should be re-written. Out with “Onward Christian soldiers…” and in with “Onward Christian Puppets”…that’s the kind of warfare they’re using these days to get their message out there and I am surrrrre that’s what the bible and God has instructed them to do and before anyone rips me a new asshole, I’m not talking about all Christians.

Let’s start being free-thinking individuals that make our own decisions based on the welfare of our own country, society and our own selves and not out of fear of the “fiery place” or the condemnation of judgmental, holier-than-thou types…our planet will thank us in the end.

So will our descendants…

The Answer…

I will let you in on something that only a few people have been told. It’s not that I trust you to keep in a vault (no offense), but rather I think that it is appropriate. It’s not the entire story or all of the details but it is a portion.

I haven’t shared many details about my “experience” with anyone. Even though articles suggest that it is a common occurrence to have experiences, even paranormal experiences while under anesthesia. However, the first part of my ordeal left me with hints or suggestions as to what it wanted me to see or know.

You can believe what I tell you; if you choose to. If you don’t I am not offended as sometimes I don’t believe it either.

Before I learned about what had been bestowed upon me and notice I did not say “gift”, and never mind the symbols, I could see things about people. For instance when they were being untruthful, or I could just sense that things were not what they seem. It is just a feeling that I did not have before and it is very difficult to explain.

Before any “I see dead people…” jokes enter your mind let me assure you that it is nothing that creepy or movie-like at all. I’m not psychic, I don’t claim to be, and I possess no form of telepathy. Most of it (visions) happens during a dream. Random images, attached to thoughts, and feelings. The symbols are a prime example of that. The symbols+the thought+the desire to search=finding solace through Native teachings. I cannot explain it and believe me, I have tried to rationalize it to the point of insanity.

These sequences were not always nice, cordial or even confusing. Some were terrifying and came fully loaded with feelings of guilt, hatred, anger, and pain. Many a night has been spent sitting with the light on and the television on. Yet, I still don’t think of them as nightmares or night terrors, even though I never had “nightmares” before the surgery.

One afternoon my friends dragged me into the cess-pool known as Wal-Mart. Every person I passed gave off a different vibe. Some of them were docile but others made me overly-anxious and made me squirm. It was almost like there was something crawling beneath the surface, just begging to escape, and I felt like it would not be a pleasant one. I get the same angry vibes from people at our shows. That probably gives you a little insight into why I rarely stick around when they are over.

So, after weeks of dealing with this new…”thing”…I turned to pain killers. I already was taking them for my knees, but it was less than the prescribed dosage. I increased the dosage and within a two month period had tripled it. This, of course was during our break from communication. It helped, dulled my senses, and most of all kept me from feeling.

About three months later I had another dream. A very simple dream that consisted of a stop sign and a feeling of desire, desire for stability. The next day I made the decision to stop taking pills and to no longer try to find an answer for my little “situation”. Instead, I was just going to handle it, stifle it back, and let it breathe. Of course, the comedown and withdrawal from the opiates was pretty rough and I had to start taking it again so I could taper off of it…cold turkey just did not work. Finally after about a month I had kicked it.

To this day I catch myself wandering, trying to grasp an answer to it. I feel most days like I am carrying around a parasite. Perhaps that is why I have this new found fascination with parasites, and why I write using them as metaphors quite often.

As far as the affliction goes…it’s still here, not going anywhere, but I have learned how to control it, and use it to my advantage. You wouldn’t think something as subtle as a “vibe” could cause so much turmoil, confusion, and self-loathing, but it can, and did. I don’t know. Maybe the state of unconsciousness tweaked a part of my brain that unleashed this little creature, or maybe the anesthesia left me vulnerable to some kind of psychokinetic transfer, sort of like picking up a nail while driving.

I have read numerous documentations about people being knocked out and coming to with some sort of memory that wasn’t there before. Some sects of Indigenous Peoples are certain that spirits that are left behind or in limbo give off energy that has no place to go. They believe we as human beings are merely vessels, sponges or conduits for the spirit and its energy. We are able to give off this energy (some refer to it as an aura) and we are able to receive it as well.

I am comfortable with that theory. Why? Because it is the most plausible theory I have heard or read. It also ties in with the symbols in a more than just coincidental way. I was in my 30’s when a DNA test revealed that I was a quarter Hidatsa on my deadbeat Father’s side. I’ve since spent myriad hours and days at Fort Berthold in North Dakota. I was accepted with open arms and the Elders and Shaman helped find gravity, purpose and an understanding of my heritage and lineage. Being left along in the foothills and woodlands across the bay was not only the most intense and frightening 24 hours of my life, it was the most enlightening also, and the brightest day on the darkest night (literally) in a lifetime of total darkness (figuratively).

All of that does have a point. The point being I know how it feels to have emotional surges, uncontrolled, and unexplained. The scariest part of it is being faced with the reality of what you were. That can sometimes be more frightening than anything that is ever happened to us.

Sometimes there are no answers, and sometimes the answer you are looking for is just another question. It is hard enough just to exist within yourself. We aren’t meant to know everything and that is where humanity has gone terribly wrong. This is nature, nature is an entity that cannot always be explained. Why things happen to us or happen in general happen for a reason but the reason belongs to nature.

All things are connected. Mind, body and spirit…

Pervasive Perspective…

When I was younger, oh, say 12-15, I didn’t have interests in the same things that
other kids my age had. Comic books, video games, riding bikes and what-have-you. I
was an oddball, an introvert and a thinker that chose to spend my time analyzing my
existence over reading Marcus Aurelius, Plato and Dante. That’s not to say I didn’t try to fit
in but normally I would wind up watching my friends fight over video games instead of
being in the middle of it.

I began reading a lot after my Grandmother died. I guess I needed the immersion into distraction to shift my focus. Carl Jung became my compass of sorts in my teen years and it was out of boredom one day that I picked up a book of his at my Aunt’s place. I was stirred by his words. “I cannot love anyone if I hate myself. That is the reason why we feel so extremely uncomfortable in the presence of people who are noted for their special virtuousness, for they radiate an atmosphere of the torture they inflict on themselves. That is not a virtue but a vice.”. And so the seeds of introspective digging were planted.

I needed to find balance and my center from an early age and that has greatly affected me in my late twenties. His words became clearer and more meaningful as time drove on. “There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion.”. “It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how they are themselves.”.

Meaning, it is all about perception. How we see things and that stuck with me for years and helped me accept my difference from the masses. It helped me to feel comfortable within my own skin and to be true to who I really am, no matter what other people thought of me and to this day, I still reflect upon myself with that knowledge in the forefront of my mind.

“If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.”

It’s all about arming ourselves with ammunition to fight the pressures of everyday life. Intelligence, knowledge and self-reliance. I guess those theories of mine have somehow given me the ability to exist with or without someone just fine. I don’t need to gush over someone or dote over them to feel balanced and the truth is, I still have yet to attain balance and from what I have learned, it doesn’t truly come from another.
I say what I mean and I expect people to at the very least, take it for fact and not need me to repeat myself a thousand times just to feel secure.

Sure, I have been burned a few times and yes, it has scarred me but just as Jung stated, we can learn about ourselves from what we do not like about others. This is true. It helps us to grow internally and with each experience in my life, whether good or bad, I grow and I learn about me.

I reflect upon my past encounters with people quite often and some I regret and some have hurt me and some I deeply miss but one thing remains the same…..they happened and it is also true that if we as conscious, feeling beings do not learn from the past, from our mistakes then we are indeed doomed to repeat them and sometimes in all new ways as well.

When we cling to the past and refuse to let go and let gravity take the lead, we prevent, inhibit and deny growth and progression. We as a thinking creature have a fear of the unknown and a fear of falling and from the ground can stir the echoes and the noise from the crash can often times frighten away the phantoms and clear the bats from the belfry.

It’s making the choice to make ourselves vulnerable to this pain and the potential for failure that makes us complete beings.

The moral of this post is to use your minds, release your inhibitions and open your third eye. Don’t be afraid of failure…even if you are prone to it. When you fail to react, you fail to act in the first place…

Broken Hearts vs. Broken Bones…

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt them” – Unknown.

This statement is greatly false and reeks of Pee Wee Herman.

Last night I was watching a program about domestic violence and they were doing some statistics on the victims suffering severe psychological trauma from and I began to wonder. First of all, these Cro-Magnon knuckle-draggers that insist on hitting their “Womens” like some Neanderthal with a protruding forehead and a taste for clubbing things while grunting and shitting in his loin cloth. These people need to be castrated in public with a dull and rusty butter knife. Guys, I know women can test us, be royal bitches, provoke us, rub us the wrong way and just flat out piss us off but (and let me shout this) you are to never lay your hands on a woman in a violent way…ever!

If we broke this down even further, what is worse in its own right? Physical violence or being hurt physically or mental violence or being hurt mentally/psychologically?

I’ve been handed my ass a couple of time in my lifetime. Mostly because I stepped in something that I shouldn’t have. I’ve also handed several people their asses in my lifetime as well. So, I know the pain caused by physical violence. I also have had my fair share of mental abuse. More than my fair share really.

I’ve been cheated on, lied to by four significant others, used, abused, treated like shit, taken advantage of, rejected, dejected and laughed at because I had never seen a Ludacris video. (Rolls Eyes)

Most of this treatment came from girlfriends, so-called and ex-friends. Only a small percentage of my mental turmoil has been caused by perfect strangers. A large percentage though is caused by my self.

Of course, a lot of my mental trauma is caused by malevolent past relationships. All were extremely emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive. My ex-wife was sexually abusive as well. The damage was so severe that I lost the ability to function in my next relationship, causing me to push her away. It was by design. I chose to keep her at a distance, despite loving her deeply. I allowed my past traumas to corrupt my vision and my inner strength.

My ex-wife’s abuse didn’t stop, even after I found my backbone and left her finally. She then blatantly lied to the local police, saying I was the abusive one. I spent 13 months in jail for an allegation that had no evidence, no witnesses and a story of hers that changed more often than the weather. I chose to decline a speedy trial because I did have evidence of my abuses and I needed time to assemble witnesses, records and police reports.

Fighting it bankrupted me emotionally and almost financially but in the end, I won. A jury did not believe she was credible or telling the truth but the damage was done and I was diagnosed with PTSD. A couple of years later, believing I had made tremendous progress and I met Catherine. But, in reality, my trauma was only a sleeping giant and when it woke, it wrecked the place.

Catherine left me and a year later she died in a car accident. There were times during that year that I desperately wanted to explain, to apologize, to make amends but mentally, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about the sexual abuse at the hands of my ex-wife and that remorse and guilt is something I will always live with.

I honestly believe we humans have been trained to see beating someone up physically as a bigger and more serious “no-no” than mucking someone’s mind up. I mean, really, the brain, psyche and our emotions are not visible. No bleeding, cuts, scrapes, bruises, scars and/or sutures that the naked eye can lock on to to tell our brains “Holy fuck! That guy got his ass beat!”.

Mental scars are thicker and rarely ever fade like external scars do. I wonder how many people who have ever called their child “good for nothing” or “useless” have ever reflected later on what that could do to someone. I wonder how many men/women reflected later about how their treatment of their friends made them feel?

I’m a constant thinker and a brutally honest person at that. I see no sense in coddling the people I care about. If the shirt looks like a rose garden died on you, I’m going to tell you. However, I’m going to reinforce the things you should care about. How much you mean, that you’re smart, funny and that you are valued. It’s those things that count, not what you look like in a shirt. If you’re fragile little psyche cannot handle being told a shirt makes you look like Jabba the Hut then you need therapy…bad.

I believe mental violence/abuse/trauma is far worse than any ass-whipping you could go through.

As soon as you’re finished having your face stomped into the ground, your body takes stock and immediately begins first aid and you start the healing process. As soon as you’re finished having your psyche stomped into the ground, your body takes stock and immediately begins to dig a hole for itself and the wounds begin to become infected…

I think the lesson in this is that stick and stones may break your bones but words can sometimes kill you…

Broken Mirrors…

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” – Carl Jung

I think if we all took the time to look inside of ourselves we might somehow find what we are looking for.

It starts from within you know? Yeah, it helps to have people bring out the best qualities in you but as an observer here, I sense a lot of despair and anger.

Angry because people are not happy, perhaps. Angry because of things they cannot change. I’m not happy at this very moment. I’m content and serene though and that’s good enough for me because it’s not what I normally feel. In other words, beggars can’t be choosers when it come to positive feelings. Especially, if you are like me and don’t experience them that often. Now, is this because of someone else’s existence in my life or is it because I finally answered some of those burning questions from within? 50/50 I believe.

We are all dreamers deep down, opting to wonder and contemplate over doing anything definitive because we can control our lives through fantasy. Reality is like stepping in a pile of “it” sometimes and in today’s society of “Beauty is everything!”, people are not comfortable with who they are. Might be a big reason why so many on-line relationships don’t work.

“When will I find Love?”, “Where is Mr./Mrs. Right?”, “Why am I alone?” – all questions whose answers cannot be given by an assembly of varying personalities on a web site.

Those that say “Not interested in people with baggage” have more baggage than the very people they’re hoping to avoid, they just haven’t addressed it yet. They’re in denial. Everyone has baggage and issues. Understanding, willingness to learn and acceptance is crucial…not to mention an open and honest line of communication between two people.

It’s true. Only when we open ourselves wide can we even attempt to put the pieces back together. Sometimes though, it really helps to have another person hold up the box cover so we can remember what the finished product looks like…

When it becomes clear, it hits you like a freight train…and then you can finally step back and bask in the beauty of it all.

But step number one is a doozy…


May 3rd, 2006

I see dreams in a window, being rearranged.
Inside arcs of tingling bars, backlights a
palmate and its command.

Feelings of raw percussion, just beneath my skin.
And I was skeptical at first, until you took my
hand/assured me I wouldn’t feel a thing…


And away and in a second and in a fog.
A daze has left me weary of the talking
to the walls and myself.

Claps of starving thunder, filling my void.
Please, scrape away more tissue, cells, I am
seeing stars. (But I am feeling just fine)

(Better than before)

Eyes/wide/empty by the here and now, even
though they see right on through.
Woven through my scars, swim like, tadpoles
in an esoteric light, there’s something
mystical here!

Reach/out/and hold the sky’s.
Weight/nothingness/no more face.
Numb/to/the core/but I do not mind.
(I’m getting smaller by the minute)
I’m in a/jungle/with my lover, and out come the
wolves – to take me home!

The Stoic…

The Stoic

I watched you, stumble through.
White walkways difficult to navigate.
It’s so hard for me to help, when you don’t
want me to.
All this pain, will dissipate!

Into the void, I wlll follow you.
Anywhere’s fine, I won’t hesitate, even when
you want me to.
All this confusion, will suffocate!

I won’t disappear.
And I won’t let you go!
No matter how hard this current tries!
No matter how you run!
No matter where you hide!

I won’t give up on you…

All this pain, will fall away.
Grey skies don’t always bleed down with rain.
Patience comes to me like a moth to a flame.
All this pain, it will fall away.

And I will wait for you…

I’m a stranger to you.
Fallen Angel, Devil sent, I am here.
Forever I will wait, Eternity are you.
Eternity for you.

I won’t disappear.
And I won’t let you go!
No matter how hard this current tries!
No matter how you run!
No matter where you hide!
Just hold on, my dear.
Take my hand, there’s a better way!

And I will wait for…you.

Something you said, rang in these ears.
I know where you’ve been, what you’ve been through.
Walked in your shoes, a thousand miles.
Cried those same trears, at least a thousand times!
Hear my screams, find your way to me, we can lose
ourseleves together, float into the sea…and I’ll
go under with you.

If, this is how it has to be…

But I won’t give up on you.
Promises don’t come, for me, that easily.
And I swear.

I won’t give up on you…

Delusions of Adequacy…

“What is tolerance? — it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other’s folly — that is the first law of nature.” – Voltaire.

From ‘Flash Mobs’ to iPhone ads to beverage commercials, it seems there is always somebody, some corporation or some governing body attempting to tell us who we are, what to do and how to live our lives. I don’t have a problem with vapid people being puppets but I do have a major problem with the same vapid people trying to push the same rotten theories on the rest of us.

Society over the past couple of decades has managed to decay and rot so much that the foundation has begun to crumble. There are days when I reluctantly watch the news and I think to myself “Gee, if people could ever stop being so lazy, whiny and apathetic…there would be another Civil War in this country” and then I snap back to reality and realize that ultra-liberal people thrive off of sitting on their hands and bitching and moaning while making no efforts to change things.

Our culture (if you can call it that) is filled with greed, monotony and lethargy and this is what our political leaders think the rest of the world should be like?!

Well, there you go! That’s where tolerance comes into play. We have allowed these “people” to control everything we do and for decades have turned a blind eye to the atrocities that they blatantly commit. Our President flat out flaunts his lies and crimes against humanity and what does the population do? Nothing! We should be outraged, forming protests, venting our anger and demanding that these deplorable actions be ceased but no…most Americans are too busy taking selfies or somehow, some bizarre way trying to justify not wearing a mask as some rebellious middle finger to Authoritarianism, which is just fucking dumb because they don’t even realize their apathy, avarice and intellectual dwarfism is just one more decadent, selfish and vulgar display of subdued anarchy. And, if you do that (not wearing a mask), you’re a selfish asshole.

We are inundated with repetitive mumbo-jumbo via the airwaves that eventually wears down the weak and fragile-minded. They become so desensitized and lethargic that nothing shocks them and they no longer feel anything but numb. Hell, even television commercials are reflecting just how stupid and dumb this society of people has become. For example, there’s the car commercial revolving around a blind date. The girl is standing at her window on the phone with her suitor saying she doesn’t see him and the guy is sitting in his
new car saying he’s there and this is perfectly ok with people despite the fact that normal, quasi-intelligent people actually get out of their fucking cars and ring the door bell!

Why do we live in a world that allows people to spend millions of dollars wantonly on people like Kenneth Copeland’s antithetical and anti-Christian crusade to literally blow away COVID-19. We have over a dozen commercials telling guys that there must be something wrong with their dick and to buy their medicine because that’s all that counts in the mind of a woman! We have over a dozen commercials telling us we’re too fat and to buy their pills to lose weight, while still being lazy and unproductive all at the same time. We have hundreds of commercials for medications whose side effects are worse than the conditions they treat! We all must be sick because that’s what we’re told.

Number one, try talking to your mate every now and then. Number two, get your lazy ass off of the couch and quite eating Krispy Kreme and take a walk. And for the food manufacturer’s out there. Why is a big box of Nutty Bars cheaper than a healthy bottle of Vanilla Chai Tea? Lastly, take a walk in the woods, get out of your dust infested rat-hole and get some fresh air. Get away from the city, the smog, the pollution and watch the birds, revel in Nature’s medicine and you’ll feel better. We’re a nation of willing hypochondriacs.

But I digress, that’s not what this is post is about…

We’re also a society of hypocrites and hypocrisy. Hell, it’s what this country was founded on. Land of the free but yet it was stolen form the Native Peoples. It’s all bullshit. People have made an artform out of talking out of both sides of their mouths. People go on news shows and speak of how awful (insert political party here) is just because they merely disagree with them. And one party in particular has devolved into such hateful and venomous lies that it’s impossible to tell the difference between their mouths and their assholes becase the amount of shit that comes out of both ends renders them unrecognizable.

The same people who claim to be “Pro-Life yet support the death penalty. The same human filth that claims to be Christian but condemns truth, morality and pretty much everything Jesus ever taught and stood for through behaviors that are perverse, cruel, sadistic and sometimes even violent because I totally remember the part of the Bible where Jesus told his followers to “love one another, but, not the people who look different than you do”.

A few years ago, near where I am from, a young man was murdered and had his body burned all because he came on to another guy. A woman actually went on the local news and stated “Well, in the eyes of Jesus, homosexuality is a sin”. So, it’s not justifiable for a woman that was raped to have an abortion but it is perfectly justifiable for some homophobic hillbilly to burn someone to death because they were gay!? What the fuck is that?! This is the world we live in?!

Has our culture regressed so drastically that we still live in a day and age where this is still some sort of slight or insult?? I’m flattered if anyone at all finds me attractive no matter what their sexual preference is. No, some Cro-Magnon cavemen still think their sexuality is being questioned or challenged. Guess what Bubba? Yeah! You’re probably gay!

We’ve become too tolerant of illiteracy, poor grammar and the shrugging off of education in this country. It’s entirely too accepted that a 21 year old cannot spell the words “stuffed” (stuft), “tomorrow” (tomarow) or “impeach” (inpeech).

We still are prejudiced towards people of different religions and different races. I know countless people that think Muslim means terrorist and that’s because of the media greatly but a person possessing intellect, reason, logic and common sense would know this isn’t true. Yet it exists. Other people of different races
are just as racist and prejudiced towards people too though. Tolerance is a double-edged sword, a conundrum.

On one hand we should be more tolerant and on the other we should not tolerate as much. This is where the sheep-people come into play. Don’t let yourself be used as a puppet by some pseudo-Christian, pseudo-democratic, despot’s agenda. Question everything! Don’t allow organized religion to inject fear and guilt into your minds just to make another greasy dollar. Don’t allow corporate America to tell you that if you don’t buy their product, you’re uncool!

We have allowed almost all of the control, the power, the freedom thousands upon thousands of soldiers fought and died for so that we could be free to be bottled and taken at will by greedy and self-important ego-maniacs. We should no longer allow the “in-crowd” or the “ones in charge” to direct us on what is acceptable.

Make a choice and think for yourself.

…or learn to swim.

How Do You Keep An Idiot In Suspense?

It has been a very chaotic week for me emotionally and mentally. What happens when the left brain and right brain begin to hate one another and wage war upon the other? A schism of sorts between the two when both, in theory, should be functioning as a whole unit.

This has to be some cosmic, karma induced test, has to be…

It feels as though I am being pulled in a thousand different directions all at once most of the time. Between current people in my life, past people in my life and people I am currently talking to, I’m just afraid I am burning out. Some of these people I have hurt due to being hurt by others. Some of them I want to hurt like I do. And the rest just sort of demand their own unique aspects.

I keep making the same fucking mistakes and only wind up hating myself more in the process. Maybe it is some sort of learning disability or something. Hell, maybe, maybe I’m completely retarded and just now am I learning this.

It is amazing how we wind up falling victim to the same con jobs over and over and can never see it coming the time after. I have let a person single handedly ruin something positive for me with another person and now it is time for me to step back and evaluate what kind of person I am because I am not the man I thought I was.

I have to figure out that vulnerability. That chink in the armor, the Achilles Heel that keeps me from slamming the door shut, locking it and throwing away the key. Life is so cyclical in terms of interaction with other members of the species sometimes. As if we are all doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again…just in different ways and with different people.